The Last Year

A year ago today, at 19 weeks pregnant, I awoke at 2:00am with what I initially thought was a stomachache or intestinal discomfort. I laid, curled up in the ball, hoping it would subside. It didn’t. When the nausea started, I began to wonder if it wasn’t just a stomachache. Six hours later, I was wheeled into the OR for an emergency laparoscopic appendectomy. Since then, we’ve had what MJ and I have dubbed our “it’s complicated” year.

To let you in, here are some of the brighter highlights.

We had five hospital stays in the last year: appendectomy for me, false labor for me, Pipsqueak’s birth, removal of tonsils and adenoids and insertion of ear tubes for Sweet J and health monitoring for Bug (more on that tomorrow). We are good on medical bills for the foreseeable future. And then there is the house hopping. Since January, we’ve lived in three residences. We moved from our home of 8 years 20 days after Pipsqueak was born and while Sweet J was recovering from his surgery.  We lived in a rental for six months while we continued our 19 month search for a new home. We finally found the house we wanted and moved for the second time at the beginning of September. Add in the incidental happenings that occur in day to day living and the “it’s complicated” title fits.

I struggled. A lot. It felt like our life was a never ending stream of mishaps I had to clean up. When we cleaned up one incident, another one would burst on the scene. It felt like our little “boat of life” MJ and I helmed was taking on big water. We didn’t have time to look for the leak because we had to focus entirely on shoveling water out so we didn’t capsize. But enough with the metaphors. The last year felt more like just trying to survive than living (and I say that with all the first-world fragility I can muster).

I felt raw and exposed. I felt fearful, exhausted, mentally spent and sad. The fear of the unseen and unpredictable filled me with anxiety. I felt weak and broken and incapable. I felt angry too. There was an air of impermanence with the house hopping and the feeling leaked into everything. On the list of feelings I like, impermanence in relation to my housing is right above the bottom. I felt like a failure at handling my life.

To be clear, this post isn’t about garnering sympathy and it isn’t a “woe is me” report. Our journey taught me a lot about myself and about living. I also learned that changing my perspective and how I tell our story effects how the events affect me, even now. Instead of looking at the events as things that happened to us, grieved us, I want to see them for the blessings I have.

Hospital stays, doctor appointments and medicals bills mean my family and I are getting the medical care we need to be healthy. We have insurance. We have a HSA. We are beyond fortunate to have flexible jobs that allow us to take time to be where we are needed.

Address changes mean my family has the means to pick and chose where we live. We lived in clean and livable places that protected us from the elements. My children had safe places to run and play, with sweet friends no less, and we rested our heads at night in comfort and safety.

Asking for and getting the help we needed mean I have family and friends who care for us. We are so blessed! They took out time to be there for us when we needed it and I can’t repay that. Help during hospital stays, help with moving and help when we couldn’t help ourselves. Saying thank you isn’t enough. I am filled with gratitude.

At the end of this complicated year, I look back and I can still see the lows but the highs are brighter. Pipsqueak arrived this year and his smiling face and sparkling eyes (and physical achievements) have brought us great joy. We bought a house! It was a long journey but we did it and now we’re home. There are so many other sunshiny, special moments we had along the way. The good outweighs the not so good.

I am more weathered now. The soft spot I had for those who are struggling, those who have suffered and are suffering, is greater, even softer. I am more compassionate, more kind, more understanding and I think I’m better this way. My little family is still thriving, still loving, still laughing.

So, you’re asking, what’s this got to do with you? Well, I hope you can learn from me.

• Life is unpredictable. It just is. We don’t know what is coming, what a new day will bring. We can get lulled into believing we are in control of what happens in our life but we aren’t.
• Be kind. All the time. To everyone.
• Be compassionate and give grace. Everyone deserves it.
• Life is hard. We all have burdens and sorrows and fears and baggage. There is no comparing. Just kindness and understanding.
• Don’t live in fear. Dream, stretch, go out on a limb.
• Know your priorities. When the “boat of life” is taking on water, keep them above the waterline. The rest of the stuff is replaceable.

And finally, tell your story as a strong, persevering person you are (if you want to be a strong and persevering person, I guess). Love lots. Laugh often. And filled with gratitude. Life is challenging, surprising, sad, worrisome, complicated, confusing, hilarious and HARD! But most of all, life is good.