When the Answer is No

I’m in one of those moods; a mood where the world doesn’t look sunny or promising or hopeful. It’s frustration and uncertainty about direction, it’s ambivalence about various choices I gotta make. It’s sadness for plans that don’t work, aren’t working or can’t work at this time. It’s heartache for dreams that continue to elude me and seem to be bordering on impossible. It’s mourning their death. It’s not one thing but a handful of them. As you can tell, I am a bundle of fun.

I’ve been in this mood for a bit now. I even tried to post about it last week but, I kid you not, the universe said no. Haha! It was a combination of a WP update not working with active plugins but it took time and effort to fix and it was enough to stop me. The drama isn’t the point of the story though so I’ll get on with it.

Back in my BBBY post for April, I shared I was in the process of looking for a workspace outside my home. I found a space about two months ago now and did my due diligence checking every little thing about it. I’m one of those annoying detail-oriented people. I want to know everything about everything. I was in the process of getting myself ready, business-wise, and had given my lawyer the lease agreement to go over when I learned the space had been leased to someone else. Now, there is no need to cue the sad music or anything. It’s okay. I feel alright about this one. While I was ready to jump in with two feet and hustle my backside off, I understand it isn’t meant to be right now.

We can all agree hearing no sucks. As a parent, I’ve witnessed my children respond to the word no a number of times and some of the reactions have been pretty spectacular. Am I the only one a little jealous of their freedom of expression? Wouldn’t it feel great to just lose your brain once in a while because things didn’t go your way? Haha! I realize some adults actually do that. I try to pretend I’m just a bit more evolved, at least on the outside.

For me, hearing no the first few times doesn’t phase me much. Things happen the way they are supposed to and if the answer is no right now there will be something else at a different time. However, it’s the ongoing, unfaltering NOOOOOO! that drags me down. I don’t understand it. I can’t wrap my head around it. How can it be that even though I’m doing everything I can and doing things the ‘right’ way the answer is still unabated no? My best is not enough.

Sure. We can focus on the moral of the story, the takeaway lesson of the trial but I want to assure the universe, I get it. Dig deeper! Work harder! Hustle faster! Have hope! If you keep at it, your dreams will come true!!! Hate to be the messenger but sometimes, the answer is still no.

I am a hopeful person. I have a strong little voice that keeps me hanging on longer than most. I believe in possibilities, in things working out in the end. But hope hurts worse than no. Hope may seem strong but when it is crushed, heartily and continuously, it feels like severed artery and the bleeding just won’t stop.

So, what do you do? What do you do when the answer is no or not right now? How do you keep moving forward? Stay positive?

P.S. I do have a highlight to share. Amy Christie, LLC became an official faction on Monday. For the amount of work I did for it (very little), I was surprisingly anxious. You see, I have formaphobia, a phobia defined as the fear of filling out forms. It causes sweating, increased heart rate and a complete brain deadness to answer even the most basic of questions. It’s a real thing. I swear. I am so thankful for my lawyer, Royee, and his patient and kind guidance. He even took time to explain the lawyer sentences he wrote in a language I understood. :) In future correspondence you can refer to me as Chief Manager, President, Secretary or Chief Financial Manager because I am all of those things and all of those things are me. It’s legit.