The other morning I was thinking about psychological torture, as one does when they sit at a traffic light on a mundane morning in the winter. I wondered about the effects of serious sleep deprivation: impaired judgment, decision-making difficulties, heightened emotions, confusion. As I made my turn, I wondered if the average mom of young ones would last longer than others because we live with mild sleep deprivation from the get-go. Turn completed, I patted my own back thinking I could hold my own for a good chunk of time. And then Pipsqueak got sick last week and I realized I would pretty much fold immediately, spilling every secret I’ve ever known, none of which much consequence to anyone.
It wasn’t anything serious but it caused serious discord. Fever, congestions, runny nose, red and raw from being wiped; Pipsqueak was miserable. He was sappy and weepy and didn’t like to be far from my arms. Sleep was choppy and interrupted. So momma got tired. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. My body hurt. I was grumpy. While I was able to do the basic tasks for every day, as the week went on, I noticed making decisions was more challenging. Planning or any kind of forward thinking was really difficult. But what really bugged me was the emotional nosedive. I felt all the bad feels and I felt them about every area of my life. My tired, worn out, in-need-of-sleep brain convinced itself that we were right above scum. The little negative voice said I would never accomplish anything. I would never get enough sleep. I would always be this tired. I would always be on the verge of tears. Always have a baby in my (tired, burning) arms. Never get a break. Always be ornery and easily annoyed. Never be a good enough wife, mother, friend, maker. I would never accomplish my goals. Always fail. As you can see, it was a beautiful, bright state of being.
Then Pipsqueak started to feel better and I got a bit more sleep. With sleep, my brain started working again and I had to laugh at my thinking. The funny thing is, I really hate always and never statements. They are always never true (though they add lots of dramatic flair). :) Nothing in our existence is so ultimate, aside from bodily functions like needing air, etc. Oh, and dying. Things are not ALWAYS one way or another. Our lives are constantly in flux even though we might convince ourselves otherwise. We blink and things are different. And never. Such a weighty word overused to exaggerate. Never squashes possibilities and hope. I never want to do that.
Moral of the story: get adequate sleep. Sleep deprivation ain’t no joke.
Just know, if we are ever on a mission together and we get captured and are deprived of sleep, I’m giving it all up. So don’t tell me anything important.
Hi Christie, I have been following you for a while now and have never commented but lots of times I have thought that my feelings and my life is so similar to yours….just imagine and I am in a complete different country. I have never followed or even really read a blog. I think I was looking for something for my kids when I found your blog and I liked your writing and thought I follow you for a while. At the start, I didnt even read your blog emails but at some stage I started really reading your emails. I love your work and I always have in my head that I like to make some things but I have never enough time. Like this blog you wrote about never having enough time…this is how I feel every day. I am married to a NZ man and we live in Berlin right now. Since four years we have been trying to build up a Pie Business in Berlin and it has been bloody hard. We have three kids with my 5 and 3 year old sons and our newest edition our beautiful daugther (3 month). Sleep deprivation is one of our biggest problem but it has become one of a problem that we are used to now and we laugh about these younger people that have no kids and go out on the weekend and have fun and feel that a six hour working day is hard…. Anyway, my nights are usually very interrupted as my boys have been very bad sleepers from when they were born. My oldest usually sleeps through now which is really good and I am so pleased about this. But my three year old has these sleeping terrors in the night. He wakes up and screams and cant be woken up. It is really weird but I read this is common in young boys. So we are used to this now too and we deal with it. Then of course, there is our young daughter but guess what, she is a dream sleeper…still waking up of course for breastfeeding but only once or twice a night which is awesome for me. I wonder when I will ever sleep through again … On these days, when I stayed up long the night before because I watched a movie with my husband or researched something fun or even worked, I feel exactly the same way…I am grumpy, cant think and I am very determined that our business is never going to be great. Isnt it amazing how sleep can change your whole thinking….saying all this…. it is now ten pm and time is ticking again as I need to get up early tomorrow but it is so lovely when it is all quiet and I have some time to do my work….Have a great week Christie, looking forward to your next story! Anja
I meant to write back immediately after reading your message. THANK YOU for writing!! It is great to hear from you. Wow, you have a lot going on. I can’t imagine building up a business like yours with little ones. I can keep my corralled in the house at least. Haha! And I totally hear you about loving the peace and quiet at night, that even though I need sleep, I stay up just to have time to myself. I hope you are getting sleep. At least an okay amount. It’s almost the weekend! Write again. I promise I’ll write back quicker. :)