No one listens to me. I say that a lot. While mom-ing, it often feels like I’m talking into a black hole in outer space and as the words roll off my lips, they are sucked into the void, never to be heard from again. It’s aggravating, annoying and exhausting. By the end of most days, I am so very tired of hearing my own voice.
I read an article about making a point not to yell. At children, spouses or anyone, really. I don’t yell a lot but there is always room for improvement. So I read the article, decided I could do even better and skipped off into the never-yelling-ever-again sunset only to feel like a failure by the end of the day. I thought maybe reading about how to deal with difficult people (feisty, persistent people) might have been more helpful. Haha! But as I stewed in my failure, I thought about eye contact. I know spouses are notorious for sharing very little eye contact throughout the day even though we are supposed to be working together to run this party called life. Conversations happen over meal prep, over errands, over house projects, over the noise of children. Very rarely do we get the time to sit across from each other and have a quality, eye contact filled conversation. But eye contact is essential! Eye contact, talking face to face, is a better connection both for the conversation and also in feeling connected, together in the moment/situation/task. There is less distraction which helps with retention which means not having to repeat myself so many times! Tone is better understood because we can actually see the other person’s face! Hooray!
I decided to make it point to take the extra time and make the extra effort to talk lots more while making direct eye contact. Instead of asking MJ things while I sweep the floor or giving the children directions across the room while I stand at the sink and wash dishes, I stopped what I was doing, got close to whoever I was speaking to, made eye contact and talked. A crazy thing happened: my family listened!!
I don’t remember every time I speak and it hasn’t made our communication perfect. Tasks are left undone, things are misunderstood and I do find myself repeating myself sometimes. But, it has made a difference. So take a second to pause, make eye contact and really connect, even if it just is about taking out the garbage. It makes things better.
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Tell me: Do you find yourself talking into the void? What do you do to help being heard and understood?
Hi Amy, wow this is a great tip and I am going to try it straight away tomorrow. I feel like I am talking against walls a lot. And exactly how you describe it I feel the same way. I am not a person that likes to yell or even have disharmony in the flat but I do get angry when I am not listened to which happens a lot of course every day. And especially in the evenings I feel so exhausted from working, running around and trying to do my best for my family, business and household that I cannot keep my voice so low anymore when my sons just completely ignore me. Especially my five year old needs a LONG time to get things done that are asked from him like brushing teeth etc. In order to counter this problem I started telling them that I am going to go to bed or go and eat my dinner now and just left the room. So basically I told them that they can just get their own dinner and put themselves to bed (which of course wouldnt happen but they dont know that yet). You should have seen how they run when I say that. Very quickly they sit at the dinner table or are in the bathroom to clean their teeth. With our two sons you can also always play the competition card. Saying that though, the three year old always get a big tantrum if he is not winning…so this brings lots of screaming into the flat again which I am so tired of at the end of the day. I think that your suggestion is very smart and I am almost certain it will work. At the start of my career as being a mother I thought I am never going to bribe my kids….I think when my first son started having tantrums at the age of two I started using bribes…funny how opinions change. Have a great Sunday! Anja